Wonderings

As I sit here with insomnia again, I am reading and google-ing and blogging all at once. In just a little over 30 days I will have another birthday. As I reminisce about the last 34 years for my life I realize that my life has turned out nothing like I wanted it to. Now that's not all bad. At the age of 17 I was sure I would marry and spend the rest of my life with what's his name. I don't even know where what's his name is anymore. Haven't seen him in 17 years. How ironic. Don't ya think.

The biggest hurdle for me to jump, emotionally and physically, though has been my infertility and miscarriage issues. In high school I remember writing out a list of names we, my friends and I, were going to name our babies and how many we were going to have! I had 12 on my list and although the number of children I wanted has never changed my ability to make it a reality has. I'm almost 34 and have 2 children. I have been pregnant 10 times in the last 6 years and even if I were to successfully carry a child to term every year until I hit menopause, my goal will still allude me. I have had many ranges of emotions concerning my reproductive future. I must say though that for all the heartache I have had to endure, the limited amount of pure joy is still worth it.

I am having an especially difficult time right now as it seems every woman I know is pregnant! And I was pregnant too! My last loss being last May. My due date was to be January 9. We were so excited. So nervous. So ...

There are so many times I question why, why not,what if? Yet I get no answers. Not even from the doctors who are supposed to have the answers. I still plunge on. Every month, trying to conceive, every month waiting, hoping, praying for that little blue line. And then when it does come, the question comes with it, How long will I get to keep this baby?

We have had a total of 9 losses. Seven early 1st trimester losses with only knowing one of their causes. Our last loss, a son, Cole Ryan, was the result of a Trisomy 16. Our other two losses were much later in my pregnancies. Our first 2nd tri loss Cassandra Elliana, Cassy for short, was born at 21 weeks 3 days. Some doc's have said because of incompetent cervix, others have said pre-term labor. Either way, I never got to take her home. Then at a routine 14 week ultrasound,we found out that Catherine Esther (Cate) 's heart had stopped beating sometime within the previous 10 days. She died because of a placental abruption from an unknown cause. I guess when you add them to our living children, Colleen & Connor, we are well on our way to 12 children. But that just isn't enough for me. I want my children here, on earth, with me! I get so angry sometimes I want to scream! Angry not at anyone, not at God but at why! Why can women who don't even want a baby get pregnant? Why are women who go on to abort their babies allowed to be pregnant and I'm not? Why are women who don't and won't take care of the children they already have getting pregnant and I'm not?!

I know that there are no answers to my questions.

So I go on. Praying, hoping and trying to conceive again. I keep struggling with the emotions. I continue to have the sleepless nights. I continue to love and take care of the children I do have. Love and care for my amazing husband. Continue to see the doctor's, do the tests, take the medicines. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get to have another baby to keep.

I am so unfaithful to my poor little blog! A friend of mine told me about hers and I thought, WoW! I love to talk! This should be a breeze! Um....Wrong! I get so insecure about what some people or the other will think about what I might or might not say! Whew! What pressure! Now I'm all for being appropriate and being discreet and even not airing your dirty laundry or whining but wow, sometimes life isn't all fun and games.

I came across another blog and I was so refreshed by her honest and transparency. So with that I decided to follow suit as well.

Life recently has been crazy! We have rearranged some furniture and we are finally (after 2 years in this house!) going through some boxes and putting things away and tossing a ton of it. That is a huge feat in itself as I have a pac-rat hunny! He loves to keep everything! LOL Well, it is great for financial stuff, receipts, tax returns, etc. it gets rather bothersome when talking about other things. You should have seen the piles and piles of stuff we tossed as we were packing to move down here! The only way I got that to happen is I kept reminding him that we were paying $1.50 a pound to move this stuff! It worked! Now I reasoned with him how we are paying x amount of dollars every month for space that is taken up by junk. And yes, I figured out the amount to the penny! LOL I love my man but we obviously have some differences.
I on the other hand love to toss things out! I hate clutter. I even hate to see pictures of clutter! When I'm on FB and see other people's pics and notice the clutter in the back ground it makes me cringe! You would think that I would have more important things to irritate me but...guess it's just one of my little quirks. Notice I said one of...LOL!

July is a busy months of birthdays at my house! First with Colleen's 14th on the second, then Jerry's 46th on the 23rd and last but not least, my little man Connor's 4th birthday on the 28th. Happy Birthday to my family!

Please keep us in your prayers for as we are doing all we can to have another baby. So prayers for sticky babies as I have heard said in the infertility/miscarriage world! Till next time, and it will be soon, tootles!

Ramblings

As I sit here in my bed at 2:30 am with insomnia, I thought maybe I should finally write something in my blog. I started to title it, then erased it. Titled it again and the erased it again. Hopefully I'll have a title by the time I'm through typing. Right now I'm just rambling. But that's okay sometimes.

We just got home from vacation last week. Our family went tent camping in the foothills of the BlueRidge Mountains in Upstate South Carolina. We explored the area alot but also found out there is much more to do. We stayed at Oconee State Park literally just 2 miles from the NC state line and 5 miles from the GA state line. It was peaceful and relaxing. We took the kids to SixFlags over GA one day. Colleen LOVES roller coasters but was a little down b/c she had no one to ride them with her. Jerry hates roller coasters and I was pregnant at the time so I thought it best not to. Unfortunately, once again this turned out to be a, If I knew then what I know now, moments. Oh Well. She still had fun. Connor got to see Thomas the Train and Sir Topham Hat although he wouldn't go anywhere near him! Connor is terrified of anything in a costume! It is actually quite funny to his Dad and me. He won't even shake hands with Chuck E. Cheese. He keeps asking to go see Mickey Mouse but I know it would be a total waste of time & money because he would never want to leave the motel room because of ALL the people in costume! LOL

On another day we went up to Bryson City to the Great Smocky Mountain Railroad and booked passage on there 4 hour excursion. Both of the kids had a blast! Jerry & I had fun too! It is something I would encourage everyone who has kids that like trains to do. Although Connor likes Thomas and enjoyed that he has still yet to stop talking about riding on the deisel! Other days we spent hanging out at the campgrounds, hiking, riding bikes and pretty much just enjoying being alone as a family with no pressing responsibilties. It was quite refreshing.

We spent one day in Atlanta going to the Zoo, the new American Girl store and to Ruth's Chris. It was AMAZING! Not something I would do again with kids but amazing still.I was so impressed with how they accomidated us with our children even though you could tell it was not a "kid friendly"kind of place. We will definately go back one day sans kiddos!

Now we are home and back in the saddle.Much to do much more to plan!

Stay At Home, Mom!

I have debated on posting this but after arguing with myself for several days (Don't act like you don't do it too) I have decided that well...this is my blog and so here it goes.....

I have heard several women & men lately make the statement or a statement on the order of - "In this day a family has to have two incomes to make it." I have not only been shocked by this statement but also angered. I have been shocked because the very people who have made these statements are the same people that give a personal testimony of a relationship with Christ. These are not worldly or even what some would consider back slidden people. Does Titus 2 no longer say that women are to be keepers of the home? Does it not apply to the families of the 21st century? If not, I want a pair of jeans and a glass of wine! Because if part of the Bible doesn't apply to the 21st century family then none of it does.

I think it is just an excuse and selfishness on the parts of the parents to say that Mom has to work in order to make ends meet! There are other ways to accomplish that goal. Sell your house, buy a smaller one. Don't buy new furniture. Don't finance a car. Eat at home. Eat PB & J for lunch instead of take out pizza. Purchase only if you must have it and preferably only if you have a coupon. Instead of going to the salon and spending $50 - $100 every 6 weeks on hair color go to WalMart and spend $8 - $10. I'm not saying you have to make these or other sacrifices but don't tell me your family can't live on one income. Of course you can. My family lives in the same country and in the same time period. We live on one income with a small supplementation from a few piano students that I teach out of my home. I do so because I want my children raised by their mother, not a daycare worker, not their Grandmother, not the Christian school teacher but by me! God put my children into my womb because He knew that I was the best person to raise my children. And yet time after time I see mother after mother send their children off to someone else to raise because they HAVE to have a job to pay for this, that, or the other thing. How about you just not buy the this, that, or the other thing.

Another area that I have seen lately rearing its ugly heads in many churches is the belief that Moms need to put their children into the daycare or the Christian school so that she can minister to others during that time. Let me offer an illustration if I may, suppose I spent several hours a week planning a menu, shopping for groceries, cleaning the kitchen and cooking and serving a wonderful meal to have my children sit at the table and I then say "Let's give this to the starving kids in Africa and I'm gonna make y'all some toast!" How does it grieve our Heavenly Father when He has given to us His children to raise and teach and train for Him, for us to then dump them off at the daycare center or the school building and say, "You watch them while I go give my time and service and love to somebodyelse's kids all day." How ridiculous but yet almost every week I hear in our churches that same statement. Oh, its not quite put like that - its usually more in the form of, "I need a break from these kids, somebody else needs to take them for a while, I need 'me' time, I want to serve the Lord in the school or the office, staying at home would be a waste of my talents." I shudder to think what God is thinking in heaven when statements like this are felt and made by the mothers of today. Do we not remember that He could see ahead to the 21st century when He inspired Paul to pen the very words that say our hearts, our time and our talents are to be at home? I think that He purposely put in Titus 2:5 for [women] [to be] "obedient to their own husbands," . As a teen and even as a younger wife and mother I have thought that a little redundant and a little humorous. What woman would think that Paul is talking about someoneelse's husband? Well that is exactly what she is doing by dropping the kids of at the daycare and running off to work. She is obeying some other woman's husband all day long. I wonder if that thought ever crosses the minds of Mom who say they must work for whatever reason?

The Devil is very sly. He is using every area he can to convince the Godly Mother that she should not be at home. Our families are the backbone of the church. Without good, Godly families you can not have a strong church. Without strong churches you can not propagate the Gospel. Let's let our men till the garden and let's keep our desire and our work at home. BTW, the home is not the building you live in but the husband and children you live in the building with. Just in case you were wondering.

I'm Baaaaaaack

Hello All,

I haven't blogged in forever and that has been a personal issue. In December I was confronted with the possibility of breast cancer. I did not find a "lump" but had an overall "bumpy" feeling that had constantly gotten worse over a 6 month period. In November I also started having a discharge from one of my breast with an itching and burning irritation on the nipple as well. One night the pain was just too bad to deal with anymore. I finally made an appointment with the MD. I thought maybe some kind of an infection but she was concerned about the very real possibility of breast cancer. I had never heard of breast cancer apart from a women finding lump so this floored me.

The type of cancer she was concerned with is called Paget's Disease. I had all the classic symptoms from what I researched. After a mammogram, an ultrasound, and 2 appointments with a Dr specializing in breast cancer (I didn't even know they existed, I thought a cancer doc was a cancer doc), I have been diagnosed with fibrocystic breast disease.

The name is actually quite deceiving. It's not a disease per say but a very painful nuisance. It like PCOS but for the breast instead. My breast have several (I think the tech said 10-15) cyst. They are hard, they are painful, and they cause swelling and drainage of the breast. But they are not deadly which is GREAT news. FBD is manageable but not treatable or curable. I have also been told that it does give a slight increased risk of breast cancer but not so much as to be worried about.

So pretty much I am free from mammograms for 2 more years. If that one is fine then I don't have to have another until 40. Thank you to those who have know and who have prayed for my health. Thank you for being patient as I took time to handle my emotional health as well as the physical.

This weekend Jerry and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary. Our actual anniversary was the 5th but he had to work on Monday so we will be off to Myrtle Beach for a couple of days.

Will be talk more soon,I promise!

A lesson from a 3 year old! Part 1

In my quest to be the parent that God would have me be to my DD & DS, I have been doing a bit of meditating on a little quip relayed to me by a friend in Illinois. About 2 years ago Bianca was telling me about a time when she and her DD Sarah were out running some errands and that while driving down a neighborhood street they spotted a dog in the back of a pick up truck parked on the side of the road. Sarah remarked to her Mom that the dogs was just sitting there and didn't try to jump out. Bianca made the comment that, Yes that dog is being very good isn't he. Well as they drove past, Sarah noticed that the dog was tied up to a leash strapped to the pick up truck bed. Upon noticing that the dog was tied up Sarah rebutted, "He isn't being good. He can't jump out."

That phrase has stayed with me for 2 years now and every time I discipline my children that phrase comes back to me. I have learned so much from the 3 year old daughter of my friend. When my children are being taught and directed to do or not to do something, are they doing it because of fear of punishment or are they being good? We all know the reasons as to why that dog wasn't trying to jump out of the back of that pick up truck. One could be that the dog knew if he jumped out he would hang himself. Another reason could be that he just assumed, like times before when he was tied up, that it was no use to fight it. He wasn't going anywhere anyway. As Sarah said, he wasn't being good. See to be good is to choose to do good. Even this 3 yo little girl knew that. He wasn't given the choice. I wonder if he had been given the choice, what would he have chosen.

Am I teaching my children to be good or to just do what they are told? Yes, obeying is good and yes I believe that the obedience I teach my children to have for me they will probably be transferred to God when they are out of the house but that is not a guarantee. But if I teach my children to be good and not to just obey, they won't have to be told what is good or bad to do. Don't get me wrong, I am all for leadership and following the man of God but there needs to be foundational relationship with that God or they may end up drinking the Kool-Aid one day. What is going to happen when there is no authority. Will they choose to do good or will they be like that dog and jump and run for it as soon as the leash is loosed.

So how do I handle this. Love is a strong component. When someone loves you, they will do almost anything for you. I have been purposely trying to help my children fall in love with me, their Dad, the Bible, The LORD, their Pastor and help to compel them to want to do good because they love the LORD not just because they fear Him. Yes they should fear Him but as the song goes,Praise Him Praise Him all ye little children, God is Love,God is Love. Love is a much greater constrainer than fear.

Am I giving my children the tools that they need in order to unconsciously do good or are they just not jumping because they are tied down?

Nothing To Do

Stay at home moms (SAHM) have it made. We get to sleep until 10 every day, our children wake up bright and happy and go about their days w/o a care in the world. They are born w/ all knowledge so it is not necessary for Moms to spend time w/ our little ones teaching them to count, their colors or other such things. Three meals a day are loving prepared by the cook who comes in and the maid makes sure the house is spotless by the time our husbands come home. And for those of us homeschooling, we have gifted children who need no instruction or help w/ school work. They just breeze though Algebra and Physics like they don't have a care in the world. Then while the nanny gives the kids a bath and tucks them in bed, I happily skip off to my bedroom to relax the night away. When the children wake up in the middle of the night, no fear, we have a live in nanny. :-D


Okay, now all you SAHM's can stop laughing and everyone else needs to realize you are WRONG!!! My life is nothing like what I described in the previous paragraph but I don't for the life of me understand why everyone else thinks it is! Just the other day I had someone say to me,"You know it wouldn't be that difficult to do ...x.y.z...All you need to do is...." Then when I said great so you can help me by doing this... the other person laughed and said, "No I can't I have too much on my plate. I was telling you how to do it."

I was quite proud of myself that I didn't automatically scream at this person. Now I understand that this usually knowledgeable and sweet lady does have a lot on her plate and I accept the fact that she can't help with this project because her plate IS full. What floors me is that somehow I have NOTHING to do. Are you kidding me?

Here's a question for all you ladies out there. For the SAHM's, how have you dealt with this in your life. I get the just smile and say, I'm sorry I can't, thing; but, have you ever taken it upon yourself to educate the (what seams like) masses on their error.

For those who are single or married w/o children, what is it you think I do all day. Watch TV and eat bon-bons? I can understand a little about Moms who work outside the home. These ladies take on a lot. They spend 40 hrs a week, mostly, outside the home to come home AND do my job as well. Ladies, just because I don't have as many responsibilities as you do, that doesn't mean that my plate isn't full as well. I have just chosen to put different things on it. Think of it kinda like a buffet, you chose fried chicken; I chose pork chops.

I really would love some comments on this. Even if I don't know you, please leave a response. The more feed back the better. (Watch nobody respond now!) lol