Wonderings

As I sit here with insomnia again, I am reading and google-ing and blogging all at once. In just a little over 30 days I will have another birthday. As I reminisce about the last 34 years for my life I realize that my life has turned out nothing like I wanted it to. Now that's not all bad. At the age of 17 I was sure I would marry and spend the rest of my life with what's his name. I don't even know where what's his name is anymore. Haven't seen him in 17 years. How ironic. Don't ya think.

The biggest hurdle for me to jump, emotionally and physically, though has been my infertility and miscarriage issues. In high school I remember writing out a list of names we, my friends and I, were going to name our babies and how many we were going to have! I had 12 on my list and although the number of children I wanted has never changed my ability to make it a reality has. I'm almost 34 and have 2 children. I have been pregnant 10 times in the last 6 years and even if I were to successfully carry a child to term every year until I hit menopause, my goal will still allude me. I have had many ranges of emotions concerning my reproductive future. I must say though that for all the heartache I have had to endure, the limited amount of pure joy is still worth it.

I am having an especially difficult time right now as it seems every woman I know is pregnant! And I was pregnant too! My last loss being last May. My due date was to be January 9. We were so excited. So nervous. So ...

There are so many times I question why, why not,what if? Yet I get no answers. Not even from the doctors who are supposed to have the answers. I still plunge on. Every month, trying to conceive, every month waiting, hoping, praying for that little blue line. And then when it does come, the question comes with it, How long will I get to keep this baby?

We have had a total of 9 losses. Seven early 1st trimester losses with only knowing one of their causes. Our last loss, a son, Cole Ryan, was the result of a Trisomy 16. Our other two losses were much later in my pregnancies. Our first 2nd tri loss Cassandra Elliana, Cassy for short, was born at 21 weeks 3 days. Some doc's have said because of incompetent cervix, others have said pre-term labor. Either way, I never got to take her home. Then at a routine 14 week ultrasound,we found out that Catherine Esther (Cate) 's heart had stopped beating sometime within the previous 10 days. She died because of a placental abruption from an unknown cause. I guess when you add them to our living children, Colleen & Connor, we are well on our way to 12 children. But that just isn't enough for me. I want my children here, on earth, with me! I get so angry sometimes I want to scream! Angry not at anyone, not at God but at why! Why can women who don't even want a baby get pregnant? Why are women who go on to abort their babies allowed to be pregnant and I'm not? Why are women who don't and won't take care of the children they already have getting pregnant and I'm not?!

I know that there are no answers to my questions.

So I go on. Praying, hoping and trying to conceive again. I keep struggling with the emotions. I continue to have the sleepless nights. I continue to love and take care of the children I do have. Love and care for my amazing husband. Continue to see the doctor's, do the tests, take the medicines. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get to have another baby to keep.